More time has passed now, and I am seeing myself clearer than before. I can feel myself pulling away from the dismal grey area that’s between the “in a relationship” and “single” options on Facebook. If I could name it myself, I’d call it “too attached to nothing to be fully single”. Thankfully, that fog is lifting – slowly, but surely. The small hints from my protective and nurturing side whisper to me how much care and time I spent on a chapter of my life so ungraciously closed. “You still care,” they lie.

Truth is, I don’t. Not after what happened.

What my emotions mistake for “care” are nothing but vestiges. Vestiges of feelings from the past.

I’m making an active effort to appreciate my surroundings and those who I have around me. I am trying to immerse myself into the moment and force myself to make plans to catch up with good friends. I find it is usually when I am alone and pondering that the deceptive flashbacks decide to begin. They are mean little things, these flashbacks. They promise the good things that could barely stay afloat in a clearly flawed and dysfunctional past.

Guess I need to spend even more time out. Maybe if I make enough new memories, these fakers of old ones will lose their hold.

-b.

“Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you’re barely scraping by
But you’re barely scraping by…”

-Chris Carrabba

I have had this song stuck in my head for a week now. It’s been so stuck that I decided to arrange a piano part and sing it myself!

This was a one-take recording with my piano. It’s not PERFECT, but it’s close enough for now. Maybe if I practice it a little more.

“Part Of Your World”
written by
Alan Menken and Howard Ashman

Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl guy, the girl guy who has everything.
Look at this trove, treasures untold,
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin’ around here you’d think, Sure, she’s he’s got everything.

I got gadgets and gismos aplenty,
I got whosits and wotsits galore,
You want thingamabobs? Heh, I’ve got twenty!
But who cares? No big deal, I want more.

I wanna be where the people are,
I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’
Walking around on those (What d’ya call ‘em?) Oh, feet.

Flippin’ your fins you don’t get too far,
Legs are required for jumping, dancing,
Strolling along down the (ERGH! What’s that word again?!) Street!

Up where they walk,
Up where they run,
Up where they stay all day in the sun,
Wandering free, wish I could be,
Part of that world.

What would I give, if I could live, out of these waters?
What would I pay, to spend a day warm on the sand?
Betchu on land, they understand,
And they don’t reprimand their daughters,
Bright young women, sick of swimming, ready to stand.

And…

I’m ready to know what the people know,
Ask ‘em my questions and get some answers,
What’s a fire and why does it (What’s the word?) Burnnnnn.

When’s it my turn?
Wouldn’t I love, love to explore that shore up above,
Out of the sea, wish I could be,
Part of that world. 

Enjoy and thanks for listening to my silliness!

-b.

I haven’t seen a picture of my back in years, and I was getting curious. I asked a buddy to take a picture, and now I know what my friends were talking about…

Shoot, I had no idea that I had made this much progress. I’m pretty satisfied. Now to keep working!

Aaaand that’s the end of my narcissistic progress check-in of the day.

-b.

I felt the urge to record an acoustic cover of Terra Naomi’s “Say It’s Possible” earlier tonight. This one take recording is as raw as it gets; this is me, a guitar, and a mic in the bathroom.

I suggest that you give it a listen if you have a few minutes.

Download link: here

Terra Naomi – Say It’s Possible

I:
I see the lights are turning and I look outside
The stars are burning through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
It’s fine, salvation was just a passing thought
It was just a passing thought

II:
Don’t wait, act now
This amazing offer won’t last long
It’s only a chance to pave the path we’re on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we’ll sort it out

Chorus:
And though they say it’s possible
To me, I don’t see how it’s probable
I see the course we’re on spinning farther
From what I know I’ll hold on
Tell me that you won’t let go
Tell me that you won’t let go

III:
And the truth is such a funny thing
With all these people keep on telling me
They know what’s best and what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us
They know nothing about us

Chorus

Bridge:
I’m not alright…

Chorus 2x

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can’t give up takes hold

-b.

(Full disclosure: I haven’t listened to this song in years. The cover was based on what I remember the song sounding like. I think it went alright, overall.)

In all of this newly gained angsty free time that I have, I ended up writing a break up song. I uploaded a rough demo of it that I recorded at 5 AM this morning (I wrote it at around midnight), improvised guitar silliness and all.

Give it a listen it you’re chill.

Now That We’re Through (Rough) by Breebs

I’m done with you
I’m done with waiting
I’m tired of faking
that I’m not mad

I’m done with “us”
I’m done with hoping
I’m tired of thinking
of what we had

It’s over
We’re over

No more hiding no more lies
No more secrets to confide
No more saying I love you
Quite the opposite, now that
we are through. 

I’m done with games
I’m done with fighting
I’m done with trying
to show I care

I’m done with love
I’m done with wishing
I’m tired of missing
memories shared

No more
We’re done…

-b.

Bitter. That’s a good descriptor for how I feel these days. It just can’t be helped. Just to be clear, there is no doubt in my mind that I do NOT want to return to my last relationship. This kind of bitterness is more regarding how I feel like I wasted so much more than I should have on someone who couldn’t even be considerate for 24 hours straight before we could amiably separate. The way she behaved toward me the last time we ever spoke expressed to me that she really did not place any value into what I had been dedicated myself to for over a year.

I think THAT is what hurts.

When I say that I am feeling bitter, I mean I think some unhappy thoughts… frequently. That is the point, right? I didn’t wish her a happy birthday because I honestly do hope she gets a flat tire with no spare tire a hefty distance away from help.

Anyhow, things are going to get better. I’m going to enjoy myself. Good times ahead!

I will admit that I was a little silly when this picture was taken. Good times.

Yeahhhh… sort of pretty much but not quite.

-b.

I deserve better than to be mistreated and disrespected.

In the end, I feel like that is what it all comes down to.

It’s over. I was a gentleman for as long as I could be, but I am undeniably emotionally bankrupt now. There is nothing left for me to give after being shown and told that my needs are not as important as her wants.

I’m done with her.

Current song of the moment…

Kid Cudi – Erase Me

Take care, everyone.

-b.

PS: I have some pictures from prom here. I was very satisfied with my attire overall, and I feel like showing it off a little, compared to the rent-a-tuxes and ill-fitting suits that many people settle for. Also, I realized that I have what those in other parts of the internet world (the reddit world, anyone?) call a “fuck that shit” face showing in EVERY single prom picture. Enjoy!

<3 Ex post facto realizations of awesomeness.

Sort of a progress picture, but not really. I haven’t had enough time to get my ass in the gym to make any significant progress in the two weeks. Blame it on the airborne illnesses that make their way around campus.

I chose to do 50 pushups for every rest break I took while studying my orgo. It helps me stay awake and it makes me feel like I’m at least doing something as compared to… nothing while studying. And plus, it takes less than a minute to do 50 pushups, so it’s not like I am wasting much time that I wouldn’t waste surfing Facebook anyway. And the test was still hellish. I studied from 8 PM till 6:45 AM and still didn’t feel completely prepared. Oh well. 

I am exhausted in so many ways. 90 minutes of sleep in the last 48 hours really does a number.

-b.

I’ve always wanted to wear this tie with a suit. This is one of the many ties that I inherited from my dad. It’s interesting how he was always relatively caught up with the male fashion styles of his time, and what’s great is that this has come back as a blessing for me because many of the 60′s menswear trends and accessories of his age have now been revived with a passion (albeit touted as either a “vintage” or “contemporary/modern” look). I like this tie because of its modest yet beautifully bold presence from the pattern and perfect width.

One of the fun things about having a suit is that I can now experiment with spread collar shirts more comfortably.

I am very particular about ties, and I like ties like this one.

-b.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post on the topic of how to make a suit look good. Now I have an example to share. A personal example.

This is a black cashmere/wool 2-button suit by Alfani that I got back from my tailor yesterday.

Got the suit on sale from Macys.com for $178 (marked down from $450-500) and spent $75 on alterations. Altogether not bad at all in the big scheme of pricy suiting.

Alterations included

• taking in the front, back, sides
• shortening the sleeves to show 1/4″ of cuff
• getting the pants let out
• slimming and fitting pant legs more
• hemming pants so that the hem is just far enough so that no sock shows when standing (with almost no break)

I am pretty satisfied with this, I must say.

-b.