April 12, 2011
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Another April 12th, Another Year
My father passed away on April 12th, 2007. Four years ago. It has been so long yet so short. This post will consist of a set of stream-of-consciousness updates that will be added throughout the day.
Since April 2007, I feel like a large portion of my life has been stuck in the “just keep swimming” phenomenon in which I keep myself busy with things I should be doing in order to soothe myself from my emotional thoughts. There’s no particular fiery passion in my life sometimes, just a slow hum of tasks being taken on and completed a couple at a time.
I still frequently think about the things I’d love to discuss and enjoy with my Dad. I see my friends with their parents, and I cannot deny that I am often a little jealous. Yet, in the end, I end up reminding myself that I was lucky enough to have a Dad for fifteen years. Gotta keep that perspective.
Strange that at the five year mark, I sometimes feel as if I am barely beginning to come to terms with the absence of my Dad. I sometimes feel like that my “closure” is more a self-conjured illusion of a coping mechanism rather than a true acceptance. Bear in mind, this is only sometimes.
-b.
Comments (6)
i know what you mean about closure.
it often feels like time has stopped for me ever since i went through those moments. for me though, i’m ok with it. if that’s the case, i mean. having their memory imprinted on me – for better or for worse – is more important to me than healing.
:[ Sad…
This makes me want to care about my Dad’s existence alittle more. But I can’t because he is just so… unlikeable. Is that bad? Should I love him like you do your dad?
All of a sudden I feel uncertain.
@stringstomyheart - Y’know, it’s sometimes difficult to like someone you are supposed to love. It happens. Over the years, I have learned that family members are human too – that is, they have strengths and weaknesses in their character just as you and I. We must accept them and love them just as we must love ourselves, flaws and all. If you know that your Dad would care for you if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness, then you know he loves you more than you can imagine.
Trust me, taking a loved one for granted is one of the most painful mistakes that you can look back upon.
@ThePrince - True. I do believe that I would not be as strong as I am today if I did not have to bear the struggle and loss that I have in the last five years. Maybe closure is just understanding the impact someone made and moving on from that.
Awwww. I’m sorry to hear that. It’s never easy to lose someone that close to you, and the fact that you’re smiling and getting through life today means something. Your dad’s watching over you, and I bet is sooo proud of you! *hugs*
@throughsamseyes - Aww thanks. <3 *hug* I appreciate the caring words.