"I miss you."

You say you miss me.

Well, how so? In what way?

What is this supposed to mean to me?

I have difficulty discerning what I want now from what I am used to wanting and what I am used to being comfortable wanting.

Sometimes what I want now seems like what I used to want, but it may also just be a scenario of wishful thinking because I can never have what I want if you have decided to become who you are.

Also because I have so many reasons to doubt your sincerity... that's never a good start.

-b.

To that one person; the truth

I was left with two choices.

I could either a) care more and become vulnerable b) care less and ditch everything that was going well before prospects worsened any more. I decided that I saw potential and decided to care more and test it out, walking the thinnest of thin lines in the grayest of gray areas.

I made the wrong choice.

Before I could catch myself, I was yanked back down to the reality that things don't always go as peachy as planned.

In fact, they can go the exact opposite of what's convenient. They often do.

So I found myself in the awkward position of having to expunge my mind of all self-convincing and then implementing a new ad-hoc policy to care less and ditch all of the potential I saw in our relationship. I need to care less about you because that is what you want --that's fine with me.

Except that the only reason we won't work is that your priorities rank the folks who got you into the whole mess over me. You then claim that I am the one who makes it complicated. I predicted this all from the start (from the day I met you) and have been trying to prevent this at every juncture while not being an outright dick. I have been the most honest person to you this entire time, even when they were manipulating you blindly.

I'm not proud to admit that I'm probably done being tactful with you now because I'm tired of you feeling like I'm leaving you out of the loop. I was trying to give others a fair chance, and those same people have now taken priority over me in your life. Tact hasn't gotten me very far in this case, I've noticed.

You said not to think about this too much. You know that'll do me some good.

Not.

I've been thinking a lot... and

Truth is: well, whatever.

-b.

"I told the truth, I didn't come to fool you." - Leonard Cohen

(Ugly) surprises, compromises, and a note.

This feels like it's going to be very vague.

Every time I think I'm going to have a chance to get down to business and catch up, more obstacles appear. To complicate things more, the obstacles grow in size every time I scramble to regain my center. I feel like I am continually losing ground, with less time available to catch up. I need a reset.

I need to find serenity. Things feel like they are moving too fast. Too many plates, too much speed, too much inexperience all at once.

Reminder to self: Yes, stuff happens. However, I know many things better now than I did before, and I know them well. Some lessons come easily. Some lessons come with a little collateral damage. This makes some lessons expensive. It happens. I'll know better next time, and I really will. Madre still loves me.

-b.

Wisdom from Madre

Lots of good talks with Madre this break.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Pertaining to life in general...

"I like to see you fail. Not because I enjoy your failures, but because I can see that you are strong enough to stand back up."

And on the topic of romantic relationships...

"I like that after every time you are hurt, you learn to protect yourself better. I don't mind watching your heart get broken as long as you grow and learn. It's good to have your protective coating when you go into a relationship. However, based on my experiences loving others, the coating doesn't always hold up. That's okay, though."

After all of these years, we've recently reached a different kind of understanding, and life feels... appropriately different.

-b.

Loss and reflection. (Ain't No Reason cover)

Two guys I knew from high school passed away unexpectedly this week. One of them, Hao Huynh, was the brother of a friend that I have known since elementary school. Hao was a couple years older than I was, and I looked up to him growing up. He always seemed so smart and capable... one of the guys who would definitely make it far. I don't think I ever told him that -- it can be difficult to find a suitable context to share those things between guys sometimes, I suppose.

It saddens me to see the permanence of loss and the abruptness of his departure. It is a grave reminder that nobody can ever foresee all the possibilities.

That, and sometimes life sucks.

"I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something,
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath."

-Brett Dennen

-b.