June 25, 2010
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Burdened.
I’m feeling distraught in a way that feels like there is an unseen but heavy weight resting on my shoulders. This feeling of discomfort is comparable to the pressure of being forced to keep a terrible secret. It feels like I have something I really want to say, but I honestly don’t know what. My resentments are buried so deep within me, resting with the other personal baggage I deal with, and my bitterness is just something that I’ve grown accustomed to having around. My realistically pessimistic outlook is something that I have lived with so long that it feels normal.
There are an astoundingly many things that I resent yet cannot change, and I realize I am going to have to deal with them. Because these things will not change, there is no way to escape the burden of having to secretly bear my resentment other than to adapt and reframe my views in an attempt to lessen my chagrin. I have no choice but to refocus the lens with which I peer through at the unsettling details. I have a feeling this is not going to be easy to do.
I know I am being vague. I can’t help it when my own inner turmoil is too complicated and perplexing for even me to figure out.
-bbbbbuiawrhgawhgiguhfrgilhlbbb.
Comments (14)
I know you can do it even though it will be hard.
This only too well describes me at the moment as well, except I know what it is that I want to say and to who. I just can’t say it because I’d get completely screwed over if I did. =
You will find the strength to lift that burden off, I believe so.
best of luck, great post.
life sucks but you have to keep pushing. hope everything works out
The beauty of life is that it’s full of changes. I can relate, i’ve recently “refocused” my lens, it seems impossible, it surely is not. Trust in your will and you will find a way. For even the darkest cloud can have a silver lining, if you cannot find one-you are not trying hard enough. I hope you have the best of luck going through this. Maturity comes through experience and pain. Finding ways and adapting to what brings you sadness is just another step towards happiness.
Secret burdens are terribly destructive to the soul of a man. I know, it is one of the major causes of my own personal anxiety. Be a better man than me and tell one of your closet friends your secrets. If you don’t, in my experience, the anxiety and baggage will only get heavier. That’s all there is to it.
But hey, at least when you’re a doc, you can get some lorazepam quite easily.
@MedicMark -
Hahahaha you would suggest self-medication with Lorazepam. If I were to do so, I’d choose Prozac or sleep it away with Valium. Still, shame on you, Mark, for even suggesting that!
And I did tell someone. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still conflicted.
@mycontinuity -
@ourblasphemousrumors -
@clulessJ -
Thank y’all. I’m going to work through my issues. As one of my friends put it, I am a “masterful overthinker” and I suppose it’s time to let the dust settle and do some reflection.
@ohayohsiao -
You are quite the optimist. Deep down somewhere in my soul, I have some of your optimism in me too. Somewhere.
@B2yan_C -
haha
I am quite shameless sometimes. All in moderation though.
Prozac would take some time to build up in your system. Benzodiazepines FTW! (valium).
I take some lorazepam (another benzodiazepine) now and again. Stuff is like mana from heaven when its needed.
“I can’t help it when my own inner turmoil is too complicated and perplexing for even me to figure out.”
it’s all right. sometimes you take a shit, and you probably don’t know what you ate anyways. xanga all the way.
i know how you feel. i am feeling the same way right now.
I didn’t understand much of what you were trying to say.
But I do know that feeling where you can’t put things into words, and you’re trying to figure yourself out.
Oh and I love your background music.
I feel kinda lost sometimes too.
btw hi,
D
If you ever want to chat, drop me a message. Hope you get things figured out.