I took myself on a date. A me-date. I wore nice clothes and took myself out to dinner... in my room eating pop tarts. Afterward, I took myself to the opera (because I had a free ticket).

I enjoyed La Clemenza di Tito alone. 'Twas nice. I feel like opera is a largely misunderstood form of entertainment. It's something like a hybrid between watching a movie and going to the symphony. It requires more research to fully appreciate than most things. After the proper amount of research though, it is quite enjoyable. After knowing the context of the opera, the way it was written, its original audiences, the specific things to look out for as well as fun trivia facts, it's more of an experience rather than something to be watched. To enjoy an opera, I find I have to actively search out things about it and then listen closely to appreciate the work and skill of the composer and performs. Maybe it's that extra work on the audience's side that turns people off of enjoying opera as a momentary diversion from the humdrum routine of everyday life.

I wish there were more people, especially in my age bracket, that are not averse to going to the opera (with me!) once in a while. Oh well.

Oh, and after my me-date at the opera, I took myself back to my room and kept myself up all night long. Doing what? Watching Russell Crowe as Robin Hood. Yeah, that's right.

I guess I'm just weird.

-bbbbgawoehfoawefhehgoawerhsighimjustweirdaowhgahwersfbbb.

There was an earthquake 6 miles from my dorm last week. This is what happened, told in the form of a doodle drawn during music class.

-b.

That's what I see when I decide to drive to my chemistry lab without my glasses or contact lenses. Oh, the stupid things I do out of laziness. Luckily it's only a one minute drive.

Anyhow, that's not what this post is about.

I am insecure.

I overthink.

Rarely do good things ever come from these two traits of mine. And there is a synergy to them that makes my issues that much worse. Also, it's a vicious cycle of my insecurities feeding off of my overthinking and vice versa.

I spend quite a lot of time worrying about things I can't change. Some of these worries I can attempt to ameliorate through a change in perspective, but others seem a too specific to be seen from a different angle. "Why don't you just stop thinking about these things that bother you?" I am asked, and the answer is simple: I don't try to consciously try to think about them to begin with. I can't call a ceasefire in my mind when I don't consciously declare the war. In the fog of it all, I end up bothered more by the weight of my worries than the actual issues they pertain to.

Are my worries actually relevant and/or realistic? That does not play a role in whether or not I worry.

C'est la vie.

**********

There exists a fine line between jealousy and resentment, and, at times, I am not sure what I am feeling. I feel that it is becoming blurrier by the day. I think the way I convince myself that I'm still okay is that someday, when the line becomes dotted, I'll be repulsive enough that I'll know I'm no longer not okay. Of course, I get to hide all of this this from (most of) the world (most of the time). Shh, don't tell. (:

**********

"Walk the line" by ~Philip Matthews

Sometimes, I wonder about my future and my goals. I know that I feel the connection to working to make the lives of others better, and a medical career still has the appeal of being one of the ways I would like to make my impact. I have been in love with the idea of medicine for so long that I never saw a better fit for me. Except for now.

The problem is my possibly equal love for the other facets of my life. I love the arts. I love music and writing more than I can describe. I am so in love with making music and expressing my thoughts that it worries me that I may feel unfulfilled if I do not continue to submerge myself into the arts. While I may be able to manage that now, is it going to be enough later? Is it even enough now? I do not know.

Once again, I worry.

-b.

"I've got a hammer, and a heart of glass
I gotta know right now, which walls to smash
I got a pocket, got no pills
If fear hasn't killed me yet, then nothing will"

The usual drill for those who are not familiar: pause playlist in sidebar, play video.

Ben Folds speaking about his song "Brick" from a long time ago. I really felt like his words have made a difference in the way I experience his song.

And here's an excellent live rendition of "Brick" by Ben Folds Five

Good night.

-b.

This is just a quick spillage of thoughts. Lack of organization is inevitable. You have been warned.

Anyway.

I want to be a parent someday.

• I want to instill the rich positive things from my culture into my children, while teaching them to strive for personal development and self actualization. 
• I want to use what I have learned from my own experiences growing up in an often tumultuous and chaotic household to provide a stable environment for my children.
• I want to be a father who is loved and not feared.
• I want to encourage discussion and questions from my children, and I want them to learn to assert themselves and empathize with the viewpoints of others.
• I want to create a knowledge-rich environment so that my children can take advantage of it by absorbing as much knowledge as their growing brains can hold.
• I want to provide a financially comfortable home while making sure that my children stay humble and sensitive to the situations of others, knowing that fate may someday put them in the shoes of the less fortunate.
• I want to teach my children to behave according to what feels right and wrong instead what will get them into heaven and what will cause them to burn in hell.
• I want to help my children develop patience and compassion for they are two of the most valuable and useful things for survival.
• I want to teach my children how to put a toilet paper roll in the RIGHT way. 
• I want to be guide my children toward the right path while allowing them to make their own mistakes, hoping that with proper guidance, the magnitude of their mistakes will be negligible in the long run.
• I want to teach my children the importance of politeness and etiquette in society, and to not judge those who may be lacking in them too much.
• I want to teach my children to form sentences and spell correctly.
• I want my children to become avid seekers of interests that lie in all facets of life.
• I want to inform my children of the "old" parenting methods of Asia and make them understand why they will grow up to be better individuals without it.
• I want to ensure that my children will not be perpetrators of prejudice.
• I want to ensure that my children will not allow themselves to be victims of prejudice without standing up for themselves.
• I want my children to understand how to stay healthy and keep everything in moderation.
• I want to teach my children self defense and situational awareness.
• I want to show my children by example that there are always multiple perspectives and that every one should be considered before making a decision. 
• I want to attempt to condition my children to NOT be picky eaters.
• I will strive to be a positive role model so that my children can look up to and come to me when they feel in need of guidance.
• I want to teach my children open mindedness and unconditional love for everyone, regardless of religion, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, intelligence level, and social class.
• I will not beat my children.

Yep. That's it.

And a shout-out to nerdyveggiegirl for being the best Asian mommy I've ever met. Big <3s.

-b.

I finally give into my emotions and stop analyzing myself for a moment, just to bask in the love I feel, and what happens? I get hurt.

"Nobody else cares. Why do you care?"

I don't understand the question. Why would I not care? How can I not care?

I don't shed tears, but that does not mean I am not in pain.

I will give this all I've got and there will be a way somehow.

If not... well damn. I'll be damned.

Happy birthday to me.

-b.

I penned a little (unfinished) song while I was in the last stages of moving out of my home of almost 19 years. It's been great.

All of this came out of me sitting in an naked room with no furniture left except for an empty desk and a bookshelf.

This song doesn't have a chorus or bridge, and does not have any feeling of closure to it. So far, I have not been able to bring myself to finish and polish it off. Maybe someday I will be able to come back to it and feel comfortable enough to do so. Or maybe some things are best left unfinished.

I suppose I can make a recording of myself singing this some time.

Moving Day

G, B7, C, B7 C D G D

In an empty room
with earth toned walls
A shelf full of books
With no bed to sleep on
There's no warmth here at all

In the guest bathroom
almost nothing remains
the sink has been cleaned
the cabinets restained
All of our things gone
it looks so plain

Oh, I'm so old
this is my home

I'm stuck in the drab
room with no curtains
Leaving here soon
For where I'm not certain
At least I know where I've been

Coffee mug on my desk
Empty in rest
Looking around me
admiring the mess
Living here now seems like the best

Oh, I'm so old
this is my home

The blinds are still white
but not very bright
Coloring my sky
sun sets into night
I'm losing time and I can't fight.

Placed right behind me
the window I see
where I snuck out
nightly to breathe
Through it now, I want to leave.

This was personal. Very personal.

-b.

Family issues, pt. 1
Family issues, pt. 2

I received a response from S to my most recent email.

His response:

8/13/10 4:13 AM

I've been true to my word in keeping it as civil and trying to stay diplomatic with this fragile issue of divvying up family inheritances and house deed changing.

After I sent my first email added into the first post introducing my current family issues, I received a reply from my (half) brother, S.

His reply:

"Yep, I've had the same problem from my mom when I was a kid.  I could never get the full truth form my mom, and decided that when I am out on my own that I really don't want to depend on her.  But here the what's going on.
 
After Dad passed away, it seems all legal papers were processed so that all property transferred to her.  Previous children that Dad was responsible for could challenge that. But that road I had no interest in.
 
When your mom was going to rent the house using Government Rent assistance (the U.S. government pay for part of the rent and the impoverished renters pay a partial rent).  The government requirement to keep landlords honest kicked in, which included a search on the owner ship of the house.  That is when it was found that the owner ship was split accordingly. Wife is 50%, Dad's 50% was split 3 ways 1/3 wife, 1/3 Bryan, 1/3 Steven (1/3 of the 50% is 16.7%).  So you and your mom has 83.3%.  To use the government subsidy, all owners must agree/benefit (that's how government keeps people on their program honest).  But if it is rented without the government subsidy, all owners do not have to do this sign-off.  Fixing the Deed - it could be transferring power of attorney or ownership to her - don't know.  
 
Now where did the $8000 number come from.
 
When people responsible for children from more than one family passes away, inheritance is usually settled/divided after they pass.  That did not happen with us, and everything appeared to have passed to your mom.  At the time dad passed away, the house was valued at $129,220 (from property tax roll), but had a bank loan against it of $77,498.  The difference is $51,722, which would be the real value of the house.  16.7% of that is $8637.  Now if you were to sell the house the cost to sell it would be 4.5% to 7% if you did not have to fix the house up.  Using 7% deducted, that would be $8032. I helped you mom calculate that based on her monthly payment, length of loan and loan start date when she asked me - she didn't have a handle on it originally.
 
When your mom called, she wanted me to sign-off on the papers, all rent will go to the mortgage.  She says when she pass away, the sale of the house would be split between you and me.  I heard different stories from her on what she wanted to do with the house, and just don't know. My mom also made such promises and I was disappointed.  I don't want to go down that road again.  I said that I can sign the papers for the government if we had an agreement that she could reimburse the 16.7% share to me any time in 10 years or if the house is sold sooner.  This is basically "kicking the can down the road" for ten years and changes nothing for her plans now.  So I never asked for cash now.  She wanted to push for a price and started haggling about the poor condition of the house and so forth.  The house was not kept up in recent years and the market also dropped (maybe $115,000 now).  I said I'll look in to selling costs and get back to her tomorrow.  All this news hit me in one night.  She call me a short time later and said she did not like the ten year deadline and forget everything and she was going to stay with the house.
 
Next question - What I need, or what is right.
 
As I see it: Our dad spent the first half of his adult life with family #1 (26 years with me) and the second half of his adult life with family #2.  Before this week family #1 got 0% inheritance, and family #2 got 100%.  After what happened with renting above family #1 got 16.7% and family #2 got 83.3%.  This still don't seem fairly weighted to me, but who said life was fair.
 
What could I have done with the 16.7% in the next 10 years:
Market value is 5% over the property tax or $135,681.  Minus loan of $77,498 is $58,183.  16.7% is $9716.
3 years have passed, if this amount was delivered back then it would be 6% higher (using 2% CDs avg. over 3 years) or $10,298.  In the next ten years at 3% CDs average would be up to $13,387.  That's what I could have done with that in the next 10 years.
 
But, the agreement I proposed to your mom would have pegged it around $8,000 to be paid any time in ten years.  The real value of the future dollars would be (4% average inflation for 13 years) actual buying power would be $4160 relative to when dad passed away.  No bank of any kind would operate in those terms.   I believe hyper-inflation will be starting in 3 years from now, so I think the buying power in 10 years would be more like $2000.  No, that proposal was not made to make money, and never required cash now.
 
I don't want family #1 to be zero.  And yes, my offers still on the table.
 
Why 10 years? I don't want things to drag on forever. A friend of mine with the same eating habits as me died this year at age 51, in 10 years I would be 56.
 
That's my point of view of what happened. This doesn't help but at least you know more.  
 
S.C.
 
PS - You really need to pick a four year degree that you can make a good living off of in case things fuck-up.
The above is the type of shit that would happen with my mom, that's why I'm still single, and don't think I will ever get hitched - too much baggage.  Also, why I'm tight with money and don't want to mix mine with anyone's. It's the stress you are feeling right now because of other peoples decisions."

I love how much faith he has in me to succeed in the life I've chosen so far. I'm an extremely pessimistic person, but my future career choice is the one thing I feel really sure I'd be comfortable with. I find it funny that it's also the one thing that he picks on the most. I don't mind, though. At least he's caring for me... in that strange almost backhanded supporting way. His admittance that his terrible eating habits and lifestyle (he is... very overweight) are expediting his fall into the grave make me sad because I know he doesn't change out of pure laziness.

My response:

I accept your points, but would also like to bring up a couple other things that have been floating around.

•  
  • The Lin family (the old family friends that Dad was very close with) would like to remind you that mother gave you a $30,000 loan with no interest or deadline when you bought your first house.
  • Family #2 (what you call us) paid for all of Dad's medical bills and funeral costs, which totaled over a million dollars without the cancer insurance. 
  • Something about the calculations that you two worked out did not even include closing costs and agent fees and whatnot. 
  • A significant portion of the paying off of the house that resulted in the ~$51,000 was from mother after Dad's passing because Dad never really paid for the house as much as he just refinanced it over and over.

Honestly, I don't mind you trying to get your fair share, but I'd just feel better if you waited until AFTER we change the deed and all. If there's some way we can draw up an agreement to say something along the lines of (in blunt terms) "fix the deed now and argue about your share later", that would be preferable as the storage room we're currently keeping all of our furniture in is about to hit a deadline and we have not been able to get the house inspected yet. You should know that the main reason we're trying to fix the deed and rent out the house is so we can pay off the house ASAP. The hope is that by renting out the house for a higher price than she rents an apartment close to work, Mother will be able to pull out a decent margin with which to pay off the home. Mother's hopeful calculations were putting the total pay-off date for the house in four years--right as I finish my undergrad. That would probably leave you with a bigger share later anyway compared to the hyperinflated $8000 that's technically ~$2000.

I can definitely see mother maybe misunderstanding something you said about paying the money now because when she gets worked up, she doesn't listen to anything and takes everything as a threat. Whether or not she admits it, it is true and I should know. I honestly don't know what kind of angle she is working on right now, but I know she's getting vindictive and more stressed out by it than you probably are. She is also playing the "disrespect the family" card when she says you referred to Dad as "[her] husband" instead of our Dad. (That does not matter to me as much--probably just semantics she uses to work herself up, in my opinion.)

All in all, I don't want to take any sides in this other than the "get this done smoothly and reasonably fairly" side. Reasonably fair because I know you probably missed out on a lot of things with "family #1" that can't really be fixed. What's important to me right now is getting things to go through so I can leave to college knowing I have a home to come back to. At this point, mother has literally told me that I can pack and leave for college, and then call her when I'm driving back to find out where I'm going to be living, an option that doesn't sound pleasant at all.

-b.

PS: I feel like you should watch your health more, bro. I know it seems like you've surrendered yourself to a life full of unhealthy habits, citing the cliche "old habits die hard", but I feel like there's a certain satisfaction and serenity that comes with making positive changes in your life. Just sayin'. And I'm sure I'll figure out a way to live if I can't make it to med school--I'm resourceful enough. Thanks for caring, though. I appreciate it.

I suppose we'll see how this goes. There has to be a way to work this out and please everyone decently.

-b.

8/12/10 3:44 AM

Okay. So I've spent the last month moving numerous times from room to room and to different places. The biggest reason behind all of these moves (aside from going to visit my college for half a week) is because my mother wants to make money and live closer to work. She intends to do this by renting out our current house and moving to an apartment near her workplace--a smart idea because I no longer need to stay in the school district for high school and I am not going to even be around most of the time. This was going relatively smoothly until we hit a big obstacle: the deed to the house is not in my mother's name. Instead, it is still left in Dad's name, which would be fine if he did not pass away in 2007.

To try to fix this problem, we got a lawyer to try to fix the deed so that we can get the inspection done and the house ready for the tenants to move in. Our lawyer told us that after Dad's passing, the house's ownership was divided three ways: 2/3 to my mother, 1/6 to me, and 1/6 to my half brother, S. I relinquished my ownership to the house as I find no reason in keeping ownership of something I will gain someday when I can actually do something with it, and we expected S to do the same. And for the strangest unknown reason, he refused. Even more awkward, he asked for $8000 from my mother to BUY his share of the house. My mother and I do not even have $8000. If we did, we wouldn't have had to decide to rent out the house and I might not have decided to go to OU.

Here's some background on the situation: S hasn't lived in this house in over 25 years, and he never helped with the hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical bills or funeral costs for Dad, and mother (from what I've heard from family friends) once gave him an interest-free $30,000 loan to buy his first house in California when nobody else would loan him any money. After all of this, he comes back and asks for money from the family when we are living paycheck to paycheck when he has enough money saved up to buy another large house in a nice part of town.

To S, $8000 is not even a significant amount compared to his other savings. Mother was going to give him part ownership of the house in her will anyway, so I don't see what S's intentions are. And since he is refusing to let her change the house deed unless she pays him money she doesn't have, we can't even rent out the house. This means we're losing time and money (and potentially, our tenant). If this keeps dragging on, there will be a foreclosure and NOBODY will have any money left to fight over.

I'm going to email S about this and state the facts and ask him why he is choosing to refuse to help out our family for such petty and insignificant (to him) monetary gain. I'm going to try to stay civil because I still don't know his side of the story yet. I do have to say that, from where I'm standing... he's not lookin' so good...

-b.

-UPDATE-

Here's the email I sent S:

Hello there.

Well, this is strange. I've been hearing all kinds of things about what's going on lately, and I'm not quite sure what to think yet. I decided I'm better off asking you before I start judging and possibly taking sides.

What I've heard (and please correct me if I'm wrong):

• Mother needs to fix the deed in order to get the housing preparations to go through so we can actually rent out the house to help pay off the house.
• Lawyer says me and you each own 1/6th of the house. I relinquished my ownership, you refused to.
• You asked for $8000 for your share of the house.
• You pissed mother off. (Okay, that's not what I heard. That's something I experienced.)

What I understand about what happens if we don't get the deed fixed:

What I'm confused about (please enlighten me if you can):

• Why you are asking for the money now when you have significant savings already while we are living pretty much paycheck to paycheck
• Why you are asking for money now when if you relinquished your ownership now, you would've gotten a larger share in Mother's will that she's in the process of writing out
• If you realize we don't have the money to pay for your share at the moment
• If you realize that if we don't get this to go through soon, we won't be able to rent out the house
• Why now? Why not another time when there is actual money to fight over?

Like I said, I'm trying to get more information on this before I decide to judge anyone or take sides. Some thoughtful discussion on what the hell is going on would be nice. Hope to hear from you soon.

-b.

I suppose it's now time to wait for a response.