He's got it down. No, really. He does.

Very little else is required to convey what my mind wants to say at the moment.

No I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love
Who do you love me or the thought of me? me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever gets you through through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you

Sometimes becoming vulnerable is the only way to make it comfortable enough to grow. That is when the fear of unsafe - that of no longer being protected - becomes a moot point.

Or maybe it doesn't matter.

Or maybe I am caring progressively less.

-bbbbbbbb.

And when we get hungry (and need groceries)... we head to Walmart.

"I think people are looking at us, dude...."

I think this should last a while.

And how am I? I am managing. Sort of. Barely, sometimes.

-b.

Fraternity camping trip last semester with the guys.

Last night, my pants vibrated unexpectedly. I found my phone vibrating away in my pocket.

C, one of my pledge brothers, was calling, asking if he could come over. I responded as I always do whenever possible, "I'm here. Head on over."

C arrived with one of my other pledge brothers, looking visibly distressed. He grinned a manic grin, with a desperation that told the weight of his burdens threatening to challenge his civility. Over some imbibing, C shared his problems with me, and they were quite similar to my circumstances earlier this year; he had been lied to and manipulated by someone he put a lot of trust in. C eventually fell asleep for a few hours while I wrote up a couple of labs and read up for my Ethics in Healthcare course. At three o'clock in the morning, he woke up and mumbled his thanks on his way out.

Now I remember why I joined my fraternity: for the guys. Choosing to pledge was not about gaining letters or status for me as much as it was about being able to spend time and effort making good memories with a great bunch of guys.

The idea that the brothers are always going to be around in some way to help me out in my time of need was a hypothetical given that I had never explored until I was involved in an instance of it (albeit unexpectedly) last night. It was interesting to find my first role in the support network of the brotherhood to be that of a caretaker.

-b.

PS: Life is... currently manageable. Not necessarily a consistent degree of easy or hard, but manageable enough.

Today is a sleepy Sunday.

The first thing I did after waking up was go back to sleep. Then I woke up again... and brushed my teeth.

Then dishes. Everyone's dishes.

Cool.

A quick gas station run with one of the roommates to retrieve twenty dollars that I loaned out a few days ago... I picked up some miscellaneous items while there, lighters and papers and such.

Before I start studying, I like to make my bed. Today, I closed my eyes as I let myself fall into my just made bed — it's okay, the study group doesn't start until three o'clock.

It's only one... or two... I think.

As I laid there studying the rays of sunshine spying in from outside my blinds, my eyes scanned across the room: three bare cream-colored walls tinted gold by the afternoon sun, a mostly-empty walk-in closet, and musical instruments strewn about with science, clothes, and the rest of my life in different corners of the room.

When did this become home?

(Not that I mind, of course.)

-b.

I've been feeling very much in mental turmoil for the past week. At some point, I have to grant myself the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Showing I care by worrying will not mollify the situation, so I'm gonna just chill.

Mess We've Made, from AJ Rafael's new and independently produced album Red Roses, now available at Target, Best Buy, Amazon, iTunes, and probably other places. Great recording.

-b.

Something about Ingrid Michaelson's rendition of the old pop song "Can't Help Falling In Love" makes me feel like I should be crying. I'm not sure what it is about the sincerity and purity of her delivery, but it really reaches in and grabs you by the heart. What a voice!

Give it a listen, please.

Enjoy.

-b.

I've been wanting to do this song all week. It has a certain sincerity to it that I gravitate toward, like many other Dashboard songs. It actually does hold significance relevance in my life, especially now. I decided to go for a different feel with a piano instead of the scrubbing strum of Chris Carrabba's usual guitar part. It took me a long time to mix this one, and it sounds much better in MP3 form in an audio player with a good EQ than soundcloud (I guess there is a small drop in quality after all).

The song itself is rather deceptively difficult to play and sing with piano. The phrasing gets clever and tricky.

Thick As Thieves by Dashboard Confessional, covered by me

Would it kill you to breath easy?
Only seventeen miles lay between you and me
I could make it if I had to
I don’t break easily
You’ve got my counsel thick as thieves
If there’s a crime, we’ll keep it secret
For there’s only trace amounts left in your blood

You may be a sinner, but you may be justified

Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I’ll make it right

Will it kill me to breath?
Not as easy as you think it is
Between you and me
I could fake it if I have to
I don’t break easily
I need your counsel thick as thieves
I have no crime to keep a secret
It was hers, it was not mine

Well I may be a sinner, but it wasn’t me this time

Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I’ll make it right

Well listen to yourself
There is a hemorrhage in your mouth
It won’t stop bleeding!

Well, you may be the sinner
I will hold the smoking gun
(You'll) get away clean
I’ll keep your secrets
Till the grave has swallowed me
And I will never tell a tortured soul
That are burning by my side
That I am a sinner, I am a savior, I am alive

So keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I’ll make it right

@SecretNeverTold, who (occasionally? ) shares my almost excessive enjoyment of Dashboard, came to mind while I was mixing this cover.

Have a nice day, everyone!

-b.

Just me, my piano, and the first verse and chorus. I decided to put a slightly different twist on the introduction to the verse. A little flat on a couple notes, but go easy on me - this was pretty much literally my second time singing the song after listening to it while trying to transpose the key and figure out harmonies! x]

Almost Lover by a Fine Frenzy, covered by me

Your fingertips across my skin,
The palm trees swaying in the wind,
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies,
The sweetest sadness in your eyes,
Clever trick

I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

It's a great song. Hope you enjoyed my impromptu rendition.

-b.

Time for another progress check-in!

Today, I did...

Squats 270 lbs 3x5
Press 125 lbs 3x5
Power Cleans 155 5x3
Pullups for fun 20x1, 10x1
All supersetted with whining about how we have to keep lifting heavier things to make progress.

Progress feels good. Squats are really starting to require more preparation and lots of recovery... and I do them three times a week.

My one rep max deep low-bar squat is now 303 lbs and my press max is now up to 141 lbs. For reference, I am 5'6" and weigh 148-150 lbs.

From the beginning of my workouts during Spring Semester to where I am as of June 27, 2011:

Squats - 135 to 270 3x5
Bench - 95 to 190 3x5
Press - 75 to 125 3x5
Deadlift - 135 to 245 3x5
Power Clean - 75 to 155 5x3

Feels good. The starting weights are in no way my maxes at the time - I chose to forego the ego trip and start under my capaability levels on each lift to make sure I could progress with the best form possible.

Videos from the workout:

3rd set of power cleans at 155 lbs. This is the first time I've cleaned more than I weigh for reps (five times)!

I was just messing around after the workout and wasn't quite sure how hard I wanted to kip. Some of these I pulled so hard that they almost became muscle-ups. All in all, 20 pullups of some sort. Not bad, especially AFTER the workout as a cooldown.

I wonder how much longer I can keep up my lifting progress while weighing around ~150 lbs...

-b.

A dear friend of mine introduced me to a poem that he loves very much: Percy Bysshe Shelley's "Ozymandias"

Ozymandias

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away".

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

What I was able to glean from the poem and following discussion:

Ozymandias was a name used by some to refer to the Pharaoh Ramesses. The juxtaposition of Ozymandias' bold hubris against his incongruous downfall really hits home for me. Shelley manages, through the perspective of a secondhand story told by a traveler, to describe the neglected remains of what once was a sculpture filled with a certain leader's ideas of invincible superiority. I consider Ozymandias to be an example of a powerful and awe-inspiring figure who, while strong and demanding, lacked the foresight to understand that time has its own way of reducing everyone into rubble and debris.

We are all living examples of impermanence against the backdrop of time.

As the saying goes... "this too shall pass."

-b.